What Depression Really Feels Like

(I was too much drawn on the previous post I've read on Thought Catalog  and this provoked me to blog about it too because I am also one of those people who are experiencing this kind of situation. I didn't mean this to be read by anyone because this would totally be on me, but if you have time to scan through it and see how things circulate in my head, then feel free.)

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/03/10-confessions-of-someone-with-depression/

The truth is I didn't really want to be like this. If there's an easy cure for experiencing depression, I would take it with the blink of an eye. I do not know where it comes from. It's just something that occurs and as much as I wanted to elude it, it's merely impossible to do. It's in me, and I cannot signal it outward my totality as a being. 

Like what I had read, there would be moments in most days where my mind would completely become shut and I would suddenly feel sad for no apparent reason. It could be anywhere, whether it be in class or home, while walking or just sitting across the room. It doesn't really matter. When depression starts to seep in through me, then there is nothing else I could do but to feel it. And it sucks you know, because there would be times when everyone would be enjoying, and I would just want to dissolve into molecules because I cannot take part of that joy with this kind of feeling that I have in me. 

And yes, there would also be blissful days. Days where happiness becomes the victor. Days where I would feel like I'm a completely normal person. Days where my facade would disintegrate and I do not have to try so hard to act like everything is okay, because everything is actually okay. Days where overthinking and anxiety is not a part of my system. 

But these days are rare. And this is the main reason why I cannot let myself dangle on moments where there is completely nothing to do. Because if I would let that happen, a great deal of painful memories would start to permeate in my brain. And so I either write, read, watch a movie, sing, or talk to a friend just to figure out an escape route. 

I've been open about this to everyone and I've never been ashamed about it because that's me. At one point or another, they would notice it because it's not all the time that I could wear a mask and sublimely act and show that I'm perfectly fine- and that's because I'm not and I do acknowledge that fatal flaw. Some may even think that my openness about it demands pity from anyone. And no, it's not demanding pity. It's me trying to explain myself to people because some may not understand why I act peculiar at certain times. And I do know that I could get really selfish when I vent the negative emotions I have regardless of what other people may feel at the moment. I know that I am one of the hardest people to put up with and I am truly sorry for that. But I have to admit that I need help. I've been trying my best to bottle up some of it, but sometimes it's just too much for me to take. 

I am fragile that sometimes I think anything could possibly break me. But then, I was lucky to have friends who understand. People who would not hesitate to listen to you even when you are blabbering the most shallow issues that one could be depressed about. I would forever be indebted to these people. I still have some issues, but I'm trying to gather my composure and to be better at it each passing day because I know I'm not anyone's responsibility... and it's the least I could do repay these people's kindness. 

But you know... some days are just hard.