Troubled.

I should be sleeping right now. I wish I would go totally blank. I wish that I could rewind time so that I could spend the start of 2012 in a better way, not just sulking here in from of the computer blogging on how terrible I feel. As of this moment, everyone has fallen asleep, and I'm the only one, with the bulging eyes due to the excessive downpour of tears, who is wide awake. I wish that I could talk to someone right now, I wish that I could hug someone right now, I wish that this time there would be someone who'll just be there. I know people are willing to listen and to accompany me in these dark hours, but it would be too inconsiderate of me to spoil their nights with my petty and shallow disturbances.  They're just too happy, and I can't afford to ruin their evening. I actually envy them because I also wanted to be happy, but every time I try to indulge myself to such feeling, it becomes so evasive, and suddenly, chain of events will just turn everything miserable. Right now I feel empty and worthless. And alone. I have been such a pain in the ass the whole 2011 and I guess I must learn to handle depression without having to bother anybody. The truth is I am actually feeling bad because I know I have been so annoying.

I am trying to suppress my tears, but I just can't. It's as if it has already become an involuntary action. I've turned 18, but I realized, what has changed was just the number. I realized that maybe, who I am right now isn't what I really want, it's what people wanted me to be that it has come to the point that I, myself, am lost in the ambiguity of my personality. Maybe I am shallow, too delicate, and oversensitive. But am I not allowed to become vulnerable to such emotions? Shouldn't I justify my actions? Must I always yield to commands? Am I not allowed to choose things that can make me deliriously happy? Does everything always has to be my fault? Am I being too abusive of my personal liberty? Am I such a bad child? I was just asking for this one night, to have fun, was that too much?

I wanted to be optimistic about this year but how can I continuously think that it will all be fine when all of these is happening? My heart has been torn in to pieces that I don't even know if I would still be able to recuperate. Right now, I just feel that it's as if everything/everyone I love, disowns me.I don't know why all these terrible things have to happen consequently but I want this to end.  Tomorrow, I'll wake up again, and I must say, I don't know how to face it. God, if you're listening, I badly need you right now. Please God, please be here with me, even just for this night because I don't know how much long I could stand the loneliness.

Please Read. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU

Allow me to have my melodramatic moment here. Actually di ko alam kung paano sisimulan kasi up to now overwhelmed pa rin ako. I asked God one thing and that is to witness a "miracle". Seems impossible right? But you know, ngayon ko lang napatunayan na walang imposible kay God. I was really surprised and realized how ungrateful I was. Thank you Orfeon Cbe Choir sa surprise! Kahit na hectic schedule niyo lahat, you still found the time to go here and serenade me :(( I am super touchedd! Alam niyo bang dream ko makantahan. Natouch din ako sa mga messages niyo:)) Thank you The Avengers and Chx sa surprise sa classroom :(( Lahat ng pwede kong mahiling, binigay niyo na lalo na si :)) To tell you honestly, I was crying the whole week and this is the first night in a long time na iiyak ako not because I am sad and frustrated, but because I am overwhelmed with joy. Sa mga kapamilya ko super thank you :)Sa lahat ng naggreet thank you. Sa mga friends ko sa SHS na never ako nakalimutan igreet, thank you! Sa 2eco2 thank you. I dunno how to express my extreme gratitude. Napasaya niyo ako ng sobra. I don't know how to pay you back :(   Ngayon ko lang nafeel na may sense yung buhay ko. Sorry ang drama ko pero sa sobrang saya ko, feeling ko di na ako makakatulog. Ayun lang. Lahat kayo gift ni God sakin. All of you were the "miracle" that I asked from him :)

A Series of Unfortunate Events

          Today, I find the necessity to write what I really feel because it's the only way I know to solace the overwhelming sadness I have in me right now. It was since last week that I've started to feel defeated, incompetent and irrelevant. I tried not to think about it, but all the negative thoughts have piled and coalesced to a solid punch that has eventually knocked me down.

         I am very much aware that my fatal flaw is to overthink. I tend to aggravate problems and to take things too seriously.  I was always like this, even as a child.  I may have a strong facade, but the truth is I am very delicate. People seldom see me cry, but the truth is there were many nights I've spent in the comforts of my bed crying a river. I want to tell people what I feel, or what I think, every single detail of it, but I'm afraid that they may see me as a weakling, when the truth is I really am. I want to do a lot of things, to accomplish a lot of goals, but my insecurities have been superb in holding me back. The fact is, I've been a skeptic of my own abilities. There are a lot of times I wish I could fold myself, so that I can be something else, just like an origami.

       I want to be honest. I want to be really transparent. What hinders me from being vocal is fear. Fear of being to shallow. Fear of being unreasonable. Fear of making things worse. I don't want to get mad, and so I hold back my anger and just let it pass. It is hard keeping myself composed when all I want to do is to rant and tell people it's not okay anymore. I am a coward. I don't want people to see that other part of me, that I am trying to hide. I don't want people to see that abhorrent side that will just push them away from me. But sometimes I wish I can also be brave enough to tell them the truth. The problem is, is there any proper way to do so?

         It's quite fortunate that this day will soon be over. I'm tired, and I guess sleeping would be a temporary escape from sadness. I am happy that I've been triggered to cry again because it kindles my hope that I will run out of it. What I am undergoing right now is what some may call "a struggle within". I am completely lost in the void, and also continuously feeling the pangs of confusion. I can't even see a vivid image of myself.

         Readers of this post my see me as a person full of shit loads of drama. I am, indeed and I am very much aware of that. Sorry if I wasted your time, but let me just say that everyone has his/her own way of confiding his/her feelings- and this is how I do it.

Hello Tomorrow.

        It has been a while since I last updated my blog. A lot things happened and I would have written all of my sentiments here if it weren't for the very busy schedule we had in school. Yesterday was the start of our vacation and I took the time to carefully discern on the experiences I had. Here's a couple of important things that I realized:

(1) It takes time to heal.

       I've been pretty much ravaged the previous semester. I was reading my posts and I was shocked on the intensity of my words. I was indeed a hopeless romantic. But here's the thing, I look at myself now and I am okay. I may not have full recovered but at least, I'm emotionally better. Time has actually weathered the storm. The pain, hurt, and sorrow...  are slowly slipping away. For months, all of it has been with me, mainly because I didn't want to let go of it. I wanted to be in pain. It was my choice. I eventually got tired and decided that maybe I deserved better than that. Maybe I should help myself. Maybe I had enough. Maybe already had too much. To tell you honestly, I don't know when I stopped hurting. I just woke up one day feeling nothing at all. It was a state of oblivion, a state where there's no space for me to feel anything. Believe me, during those times when I was distraught, it was like passing through a sinuous road that has no end. The truth is will have no end, only if you've set your mind to that. So don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes, the only person standing in your way is you (I got this from the Black Swan)

(2) You'll never know how bad another person really feels.

       It is true. No matter how hard you try to be emphatic, you'll never have the same intensity of hurt of another person. You can only try to understand or feel. I'm not trying to insinuate that listening to your friend's problems or catastrophic experiences is useless. What I'm saying is that if you already feel bad listening to their stories, how much more if you were in your friend's position? Giving time to listen to someone who badly needs it is priceless. If it weren't for the patience of my friends bearing with me and tolerating me, I would have turned myself into a complete train wreck. I've been pretty hardheaded and didn't listen to their advice and yes, I regret it a lot. Everybody needs someone. When the burden weighs on you, it wouldn't hurt to seek for help.

(3) God has a plan

      Nobody knows what God is planning but one thing is for sure: there is a reason for every struggle. It makes you stronger, it teaches you how to fight and how to be better. Try to take a moment to vent to him all that you feel. Tell him how much you hate you hate what's going on, just let your emotions flow. It will make you feel better. This may sound cliche, but God is always there. He provides, and in times of need, his presence will surely be felt.


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Last note: 

Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the sadness. Allow yourself to be happy. Never regret that you loved someone even if it caused you so much pain because it is what makes you human. 

 

Heartbreak Songs

These are the songs I listen to especially when I feel really down. Ironic, isn't it? I don't know. That's just me, I like being lonely. I just want to share this to people who are slowly falling apart and who can relate to the message conveyed by each of the songs.

(In no particular order)

1. Here without you- 3 Doors Down

Striking Line/s: I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams.

2. Blind- Lifehouse

Striking line/s: That I loved you more than you'll ever know and part of me died when I let you go.

3. Jar of Hearts-Christina Perri

Striking Line/s:
And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart

4.  Someone Like You- Adele

Striking Line/s: Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

5. Chasing Pavements- Adele

Striking Line/s: Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavement even if it leads nowhere?

6. Gravity- Sara Bareilles

Striking Line/s: Something always brings me back to you.
                       It never takes too long.

7. What Hurts the Most- Rascal Flatts

Striking Verse: What hurts the most was being so close and havin' so much to say and watchin' you walk away

8. Stay- Lisa Loeb

Striking Line/s: "I thought I could leave, I could leave oooh and now I know I was wrong cause I miss you."

9. Landslide- Fleetwood Mac- Stevie Nicks

Striking Line/s: I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you.

10. All Out of Love- Air Supply

Striking Verse:  I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
                        I know you were right believing for so long
                        I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
                        I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

11.  Wreck of the Day- Anna Nalick

Striking Line/s: 'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces

12. Torn- Natalie Imbruglia

Striking Verse: Illusion never changed
                       Into something real
                       I'm wide awake and I can see
                       The perfect sky is torn
                       You're a little late, I'm already torn

13. Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler

Striking Line/s: Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.


14. Best I Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Striking Verse: And it may take some time to
                      Patch me up inside
                      But I can't take it so I
                      Run away and hide

15.Breakeven- The Script

Striking Verse:  Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
                        You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
                        Now I'm tryin to make sense of what little remains ooh
                        Cause you left me with no love, no love to my name.

Different Faces of Love

Love is a vague term. It may mean happiness to some and misery to others. There is however an underlying fact when you talk about Love, and that is, it is inherently good. It is never wrong to love someone. What can distort its meaning is the degree of love and how the act is delivered.

It is hard to distinguish proper kind of love from the "excessive" and "insufficient" ones. Most of the time, relationships end up tragically when the latter kinds are practiced. An example of a situation is when partners argue about space. Space is essential to every being. It leaves a little room for his/her self. Too much space can lead to a "void" or emptiness. When this happens, a wide gap is created because one of them may fall out of love. On the other hand, too little space can lead to "suffocation". There are certain things that has to be done alone. Usually, someone gets so fed up and this leads to the break-up. A demarcation line has to be set in order to know the right way to love someone.

There is no definite way to express love. All I know is that you cannot love someone completely without being selfless. In the process, you learn to give without asking for anything in return. You can even get irrational at times. This happen when your emotions overpower your ability to think. The thing is, when you love, it is not the mind that is working, it is the heart. Each one of us has an ideal man or woman and most would go for the perfect ones. In reality, there is no such thing as a perfect. Everyone has his/her own defect. There can be, however, a perfect match. That person may or may not be the one you've been dreaming to have, but one thing is for sure, genuine happiness is awaits you when you find your destiny. You can't really choose who to love. It may come in the most peculiar way, or who knows, you may just fall in love with the person you never even thought you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

When you talk about love, you can't set aside the issue about pain. It is inevitable. There is always an aberration in the system. But it is essential. Without pain, the meaning of true love would remain ambiguous. What I've mentioned may sound paradoxical. If someone you love inflicted pain on you and you didn't even get hurt, can you say that you love him/her to a great extent? When you confess your feelings to your crush but the only response you get is "I'm sorry. We're not meant to be together," isn't it just normal that you feel bad about it? Pain is there to make you stronger, not to make you feel bitter. It is a compass that guides you to the right person. It will only seem unending when you start become impatient. There is always a right time, a right situation and a right place to meet the person you shall be with forever.

 In love, you must also take risks. There is no assurance whether or not the person you love has the same feelings for you, but how will you know the real score if you won't even try? Isn't it more painful to know that he/she likes you but it was too late when you confided your thoughts so he/she found someone else? You will only end up in regret. When you confess your love, you will get the chance to know if you even stood a chance rather than being bewildered on what that person thinks or feels about you. If the unfortunate thing happens, that only means that there is someone else in there waiting for you. It's not the end of the road, you've just got to take a detour.

What causes a person to hold back their feelings? Probably, the most sound reason would be "fear." To narrow it down, it would be the fear of rejection and fear of commitment. It is a parasite that hampers progress. It can make the brave cowards. When people let it take over them, they tend to dig deep and enshroud their feelings in their hearts. This eventually turns into a burden. It's a self-inflicted pain and people who do this become deprived of the happiness one can get from expressing his/her real sentiments. Fear is always there but you can always choose to overcome it with courage. Yes, you can be rejected and yes, commitment was never easy, but when you love, these will become oblivious.

All mentioned above is just a product of my own discernment. It doesn't mean that his is how everyone understands love. However, the fact still remains that all human beings are not devoid of love. It will always be a part of this world.

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Additional Notes:

(This is not really a part of my work. I just thought of sharing a little bit how this goes for me. Teehee.)

All that I've written above would probably be the things I've said to my friends who sought for my advice. Ironically, these are the very things I find really hard to do. I'm not really expressive of my emotions. More often than not, I tend to hold back what I feel and just let it pass. I even become so repulsive that I push people away.  I've always had this fear of being rejected and commitment was never in my dictionary. Maybe I'm afraid because I know that I'm not resilient to pain. However, with my little story right now, it's more painful than I thought and I'm actually full of regret. I wrote this for myself but I would really appreciate it if the people who read this can relate to my work.

Nonsense.