Black Swan

     The Black Swan was a movie directed by Darren Aronofsky which hit the theathers last 2010. The movie revolves around the story of a ballerina, Nina Sayers who was chosen to play the lead role in "Swan Lake." Nina Sayers has become completely obsessed with perfection that she almost lost her sanity. It was a movie that exemplified DARKNESS and suffice to say, one of the best of all time.

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    I was discerning this morning and I incidentally remembered the Black Swan. It's one of the few movies that really captured my interest. I liked it because it was cleverly done, had top-notch performances, and had a superb storyline, but lately, I realized that all I just mentioned are not the main reasons why I loved it.

   I see myself in Nina Sayers.  She was a mirror of my personality. I was very much like her, minus the fact that I hate dancing. I wanted to be perfect; I wanted to be the epitome of every single thing that I loved and I wanted to be that ideal person. Thinking about all these things has obscured the fact that I am just a human being who has the propensity to commit mistakes. I have been pushing myself too hard that I forgot I still have a "life". I thought people surrounding me were the ones who were pushing me to the limit; but perhaps, I am wrong. I was the biggest enemy of myself. It was me all along who continually drives myself crazy.

    I really find it hard to accept mistakes. I always blame myself whenever bad things happen around. I become really insecure whenever someone surpasses what I done. Maybe this was rooted from my childhood  days when the only thing I had to prove myself to anyone was to excel in my studies. And so, I tried my best, I studied hard and for a long time and forgot to enjoy. Recently, I was having a hard time coping with the events of  life because of the results of our preliminary exams. I considered the grades I got mediocre, and I was punishing myself to be lonely for having an insufficient preparation. I just can't get off my mind what it could have been if I was well-prepared. For days, depression has seeped within me that it became to much to handle. I have created my own boundaries.

   Right now, with all these realizations, I am trying to at least neutralize my way of thinking. I have to inculcate in my mind that some things are beyond my control. This perception, the destructive part in the dark recesses of my mind should disappear. I know it wouldn't be that easy to just take it off, but I've got to have courage to surpass this self-torment that I have created. I don't want to end up like Nina becoming insane because of such disposition in life. As I always quote what Leroy said, "The only person standing in your way is you," I am very much aware that this time, I am the only one who can save myself.

Self-Torment

I should have posted the other day about this but I didn't know how to put into words what I felt. Right now, I find it hard to have self-esteem. Too bad I had to lose it all before realizing that I've just let opportunities slip away. I would have like to indulge myself into the thought that all my failures were just a product of fate, but as much as I wanted to believe in that, I can't hide from the fact that I would only be fooling myself.

It feels bad to know that I could have done better, that I could have been happier, that things wouldn't have turned out gloomy if I just did my best. But then, what's done is done. I just feel that I've failed in accomplishing my obligations- with my classmates, with my family, with my friends and most of all, with MYSELF. I know I have this attitude of "egoism" in me and it's ruining my disposition. I feel hopeless. I simply feel that I wouldn't be able to cope up. Sometimes I want to bang my head on the wall so I could divert my mind from overthinking. They say that I shouldn't blame myself for everything, but who else is there to blame when it's obvious that it is my fault? Maybe I just have the propensity to ruin things.

I am now confused. I wish I can redeem myself but I don't really know how. I am so ravaged and I having a hard time making myself believe that there will always be a tomorrow to mend all the mistakes. How can I help others, when I can't even save myself from depression?