I should be sleeping right now. I wish I would go totally blank. I wish that I could rewind time so that I could spend the start of 2012 in a better way, not just sulking here in from of the computer blogging on how terrible I feel. As of this moment, everyone has fallen asleep, and I'm the only one, with the bulging eyes due to the excessive downpour of tears, who is wide awake. I wish that I could talk to someone right now, I wish that I could hug someone right now, I wish that this time there would be someone who'll just be there. I know people are willing to listen and to accompany me in these dark hours, but it would be too inconsiderate of me to spoil their nights with my petty and shallow disturbances. They're just too happy, and I can't afford to ruin their evening. I actually envy them because I also wanted to be happy, but every time I try to indulge myself to such feeling, it becomes so evasive, and suddenly, chain of events will just turn everything miserable. Right now I feel empty and worthless. And alone. I have been such a pain in the ass the whole 2011 and I guess I must learn to handle depression without having to bother anybody. The truth is I am actually feeling bad because I know I have been so annoying.
I am trying to suppress my tears, but I just can't. It's as if it has already become an involuntary action. I've turned 18, but I realized, what has changed was just the number. I realized that maybe, who I am right now isn't what I really want, it's what people wanted me to be that it has come to the point that I, myself, am lost in the ambiguity of my personality. Maybe I am shallow, too delicate, and oversensitive. But am I not allowed to become vulnerable to such emotions? Shouldn't I justify my actions? Must I always yield to commands? Am I not allowed to choose things that can make me deliriously happy? Does everything always has to be my fault? Am I being too abusive of my personal liberty? Am I such a bad child? I was just asking for this one night, to have fun, was that too much?
I wanted to be optimistic about this year but how can I continuously think that it will all be fine when all of these is happening? My heart has been torn in to pieces that I don't even know if I would still be able to recuperate. Right now, I just feel that it's as if everything/everyone I love, disowns me.I don't know why all these terrible things have to happen consequently but I want this to end. Tomorrow, I'll wake up again, and I must say, I don't know how to face it. God, if you're listening, I badly need you right now. Please God, please be here with me, even just for this night because I don't know how much long I could stand the loneliness.
