Today, I find the necessity to write what I really feel because it's the only way I know to solace the overwhelming sadness I have in me right now. It was since last week that I've started to feel defeated, incompetent and irrelevant. I tried not to think about it, but all the negative thoughts have piled and coalesced to a solid punch that has eventually knocked me down.
I am very much aware that my fatal flaw is to overthink. I tend to aggravate problems and to take things too seriously. I was always like this, even as a child. I may have a strong facade, but the truth is I am very delicate. People seldom see me cry, but the truth is there were many nights I've spent in the comforts of my bed crying a river. I want to tell people what I feel, or what I think, every single detail of it, but I'm afraid that they may see me as a weakling, when the truth is I really am. I want to do a lot of things, to accomplish a lot of goals, but my insecurities have been superb in holding me back. The fact is, I've been a skeptic of my own abilities. There are a lot of times I wish I could fold myself, so that I can be something else, just like an origami.
I want to be honest. I want to be really transparent. What hinders me from being vocal is fear. Fear of being to shallow. Fear of being unreasonable. Fear of making things worse. I don't want to get mad, and so I hold back my anger and just let it pass. It is hard keeping myself composed when all I want to do is to rant and tell people it's not okay anymore. I am a coward. I don't want people to see that other part of me, that I am trying to hide. I don't want people to see that abhorrent side that will just push them away from me. But sometimes I wish I can also be brave enough to tell them the truth. The problem is, is there any proper way to do so?
It's quite fortunate that this day will soon be over. I'm tired, and I guess sleeping would be a temporary escape from sadness. I am happy that I've been triggered to cry again because it kindles my hope that I will run out of it. What I am undergoing right now is what some may call "a struggle within". I am completely lost in the void, and also continuously feeling the pangs of confusion. I can't even see a vivid image of myself.
Readers of this post my see me as a person full of shit loads of drama. I am, indeed and I am very much aware of that. Sorry if I wasted your time, but let me just say that everyone has his/her own way of confiding his/her feelings- and this is how I do it.
All I can say Lovely is that you are not alone. That may be the most fitting combination of words that I can use to comfort you. And perhaps, one good advice: that is, to open up with friends you can really trust with. I, too, deal with the same things,that we may say "the struggles within". But one good thing which I have is that aside from my own inner strength, I have great friends to be with me in my personal struggles. And most importantly, never forget to look up. (^^,-
TumugonBurahinThank you for the kind words Celino. I really appreciate your advice. Perhaps, it's the best solution but right now, I am still struggling. I hope I'll soon find inner peace. Thank you so much for taking time to read this :)
TumugonBurahin>:D< I actually feel the same way @) 'Cept the entire universe knows just how much of a weakling I could be ahaha, but yeah, it's good for you to get something like this out of your system once in a while with others; it'll just get worse if you keep it for yourself, trust me :/ If you think it'll make you uncomfortable though, tell your friends or people you trust the most :)
TumugonBurahinI tried keeping something to myself for nearly a year, and I spent countless nights crying and cursing myself to sleep. I lost interest in the things I used to love, I felt like I was going nowhere and I basically felt like something soul-less (lol) that just kept on living without actually thinking, feeling and ... well, breathing, in a metaphorical sense.
Just recently I decided to tell someone I love and trust about everything I've been keeping inside of me. It wasn't a good site, mainly involved me crying and him trying to understand what I'm trying to say amidst all my tears and sharp breaths. In the end though, he helped me find my way back up again. :) He helped me realize how much of a waste all those (nearly) sleepless months were cause he's been with me all along: willing to listen and help. :) Hopefully that'll also happen to you (cause it really helped me), er except for the whole breaking down part. XD
One last thing to remember: you're not alooone! I'm sure at some point in our lives everyone would feel this way, and voicing it out doesn't mean you're weak, it's just a way of affirming your humanity. :)
I'm sorry for the novel-like reply, but you're a very good friend and knowing you're okay again would really matter to me even if I don't get to see you and be with you often. :) Also because I (may) know exactly how you feel and just how much pain you could be going through right now because of what you're feeling. >D:<
I hope you'll feel better soon, Lovely. :)
Thank you my dear friend (though I still have to know who you are) =)). I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. You almost brought me to tears again with your reply (in a good way). Last night, my heavy panting was my lullaby... I don't know, the tear just flowed. And yeah, I'll follow your advice. I just don't know who can put up with all the bullshits I have. :( Thank you, really. I actually feel better because I know there are people out there like you who cares for me. Thank you *tears*
TumugonBurahin