Happiness

Sophomore year
It wasn't an easy year, I had to admit. To be honest, it is probably one of the the hardest years of my life . There were a lot of setbacks that actually had a great impact on me. Love, friendship, studies but the greatest was self-struggle. There was a great deal of grief and pain during those days which seemed to me almost insurmountable.I was angry with myself. I felt that I was a failure, that I always let people down, that every effort I exert is futile, and there were many times I felt that I don't belong anywhere. But then, thinking of it now, I must say that all of it was just plain stupid.

I thought that the world was mad at me but the reality is I am mad with myself. I was sad due to the mere fact that I chose to be lonely. I failed to realize that God actually gives a thousand reasons for me to celebrate each day with joy. I woke up this morning, and thank Him for letting me live another day, for giving me the chance to mend my mistakes, for letting me see my family once again, for letting me talk to my friends who help in making my problems oblivious, for the sight of His beautiful creation each time I go out to the comforts of my home... It will take me forever to cite everything that I should be grateful for. I don't know what was with me before.

Throughout this issue with myself, I have never been alone. God never left me and I actually felt his omnipresence. I remember crying in the church, talking to him, telling him the feeling of desolation and that soon I might succumb to the pangs of destiny. I knew He was there listening. I may not hear or see him, but I felt him in a way that I guess, is impossible to be explained even by the most erudite person in the world.

I remember my obsession with UP. I used to ask him why I didn't pass in my dream school; why did He give the chance to others and not me, or if I was less deserving.I have tried to get into UP a lot of times. I was so obsessed with the idea that I was even willing to take a course that I hated. Heaven knows that I tried my best. It was painful, knowing that only a tad bit, I would already be in there. I remember crying in my mother's arms, coiling my body into a ball, and blaming myself for not exerting sufficient effort to get in. What hurts the most was feeling like you're a mess and incapable because other people made you feel so. Well, I actually knew all along that I wanted to get in there because of other people's expectations. The thing was, I had also made it my personal reality.

 And now I ask myself if I am happy where I am right now. The answer is yes. There is probably nothing else I could wish for. I've got the most fabulous set of "crazy" and genuine friends. I have been able to overcome my fears. I never would have thought I can come out of my shell and sing in front of people. I never would have thought I could become a class president. I never would have thought that I can be who I want to be. I owe all of this to the people who surrounded me, who pushed me to become a better individual.

I actually realized that only you can determine who you are. People can say a lot of things about you. They can drag you down and punch you with harsh words... but that is only if you let them. I am pretty sure these kind of people have their personal struggles which provoke them to vent their problems by bashing others. I know a lot of them, but to tell you honestly, what they say is nothing. Just don't let them define who you are.

So what's the bottomline of this? What I am trying to say is that everything happens for a reason. God has a better design and plan for our lives. His ways are different from ours. Also, every decision we make each day has a correlative effect on our future so we must be very careful with our choices. Lastly, there is one key to happiness... and that is simple letting yourself become (happy, love, and be loved).