Why You Think You Shouldn't, Even Though You Can

Each one of as probably has things in mind that we choose to keep, burdensome secrets that we wish we could simply tell, or emotions and sentiments that we choose to hide in our faked smiles. Blurting it out is always an option, but we choose to shun this idea. Maybe because we are afraid. Or maybe because we lack enough provocation to do so. Or maybe because we merely did not have enough courage. 

I have been pondering on this idea for a while. I have been looking back at some significant memories which could have been altered by simply telling how I really felt with no holds barred. What if I told him that I also love him 2 and 1/2 years ago when he confessed his feelings 1 month after? What if I told him that it felt like a dagger was thrown directly to my heart when he told me that he already loved somebody else right after I confessed to him? What if I told him that I have been under what seemed like a incessant suffering? What if I stopped pretending that it was okay?  It would have been a big relief and things would probably have been very different today. But then, the painful reality dawns again and I start to realize that no matter what I do, I cannot really change what has already conspired. 

So why do we do it? Why do we choose to embrace the pain even though there was an option to release it? I do believe that choosing not to tell is not necessarily wrong. Yes, maybe we are afraid and maybe we feel the pang of confusion. But at the end of the day, we choose to keep these things because in our discernment, it is what we think is right. We become martyrs because  we tend to save people who were supposed to know from melodrama. Because that is how you love. You let yourself become the sacrificial lamb. However, we also have to realize that in doing this, we also salvage ourselves from dealing with more ache that may arise if we tell more than what we were supposed to. And so we simply choose to wait for the memories to become oblivious or maybe unrelentingly wait for the right time. But then we set no lucid definition on "the right time" and so it seems to never come after all.

Whether it is right or not, we have to admit that we still wish we had told them. It maybe too late and may incur no significant bearing on the current situation but at least you were able to tell. At least you stop wondering of endless possibilities. At least you can unload yourself from the extra baggage in your mind and heart. At least you become honest and genuine for once.

 But even if you can, you still think you shouldn't. You wait and wait till you never get to say it. You succumb to the cowardice and fear of the unknown outcome. You decide that you'd rather "not know" than feel more pain because you might simply breakdown if the opposite of what you anticipate happens. You know "it can". We cannot run from the fact that we are not devoid of being hurt, and maybe we acknowledge it too much that we simply ascribe it to the future. 

2 and 1/2 years later, right at this moment, I still choose not to tell even though the love I had once for him has died already. I have to admit that I am afraid of the possibility that the shards of feelings I had would coalesce in a single form and that I would fall but my heart would be broken once again. Because that's what always happens. And ever since that incident, I somehow become calloused. Maybe because I also simply have chosen not to feel again. However, I do wish I could be transparent. I do wish that I am not afraid because I still keep on wondering what could have been. I know I can tell him, but I still think I should not. The right time might never come...

Pain Makes us Human

If I ask you why you love someone, what would your answer be? You could probably enumerate a lot of reasons as to why you fell in love with a specific person.You could tell me how aesthetically attractive he is or on how erudite his manner of speaking is or how much his words can make your heart melt. You could tell me how flawless and perfect he is that it baffles you how someone like him actually exists. However, all of these characteristics, no matter how enticing they may sound like, are just delusions. 

 

You do not choose the people you love. It is something that just comes. It is an inexplicable feeling that you unexpectedly encounter. It is something that you just know, and need not to explain. You fall in love because you just DO. You just wake up everyday having this joyful and inspired aura as if you won the lottery, knowing that you will talk or spend time with that special someone who has effortlessly smitten you. If what you feel is caused by any physical attribute or intrinsic goodness, then tell me why among all other people who could possess these characteristics did you choose him/her? It is, if I may say, magic- an emotion that springs from a void. 

For this reason- the inability to choose the one who captures your heart, you sometimes get hurt. It is because when you love someone, you're giving that person a ticket to inflict pain- whether his/her reason is rational or irrational. There is no assurance that you'll spend forever with him/her, what becomes important to you is the "NOW", the present, and that's why the possibility of an impending doom becomes oblivious. Nothing else matters as long as you know you still have that person. But then, things in love can get ugly, and when it does, you'll find yourself lost. 

One of the worst things in life is waking up the next day knowing that he/she is gone. What makes it worse is the feeling of helplessness, knowing that there is nothing you can do to reverse the situation or take back all that was lost. As much as you wanted to forget and bury the pain in the deepest recesses of your fragile heart, you just can't. Hence, you isolate yourself from everyone and indulge yourself with sorrow. You  lie in your bed and force yourself to sleep. But then, your efforts become futile because your brain starts to mock and haunt you with all the memories that still lingers- the midnight conversations, the laughter, and his sweetness- every single detail that distinguishes this person from everyone else; every single reason that made you fall in love with this person. And then, to aggravate the situation, "WHAT IFS" start to conjure in your mind and you unrelentingly try to figure out where things started to become a mess. You find it unfair that you are suffering from so much pain, which at the moment, feels so numbing and unbearable, while that person goes on with his/her life. 

It is unfair, but it is one of the inevitable realities of life... and love. I have been there and I have spent a lot of time wallowing in misery. Honestly, I am still not completely healed from the ravaging experience I had with love... but I am trying, because I know I have to. Let me tell you something, whoever is reading this and can find an empathy link with what I'm writing, you'll get pass through that. It may not be soon, but you will. Contrary to what other people might have advised you, I will not tell you to completely forget and eradicate all those things that make you remember your glorious days with him. It is because that would merely be impossible to do. It will stay with you forever like a scar, not unless you find a way, such as that in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", to make you forget. Those memories will momentarily reverberate and you cannot really escape from that. It will hurt for some time, maybe a long time, but it will not hurt you forever. At some certain point, you'll get tired of crying and you'll get used to the pain. And then the next thing you know is that the world is revolving again for you, and you start to realize that you don't want to be miserable anymore. It took me 2 and a half years to realize that, and it seemed like forever. Now that I'm starting to get back to my senses, I feel emancipated. I thought I will never reach this point, but I did, and so do you, whoever you are that is reading this article who is finding it hard to get over. 

Never regret loving someone and never be too afraid of being hurt. Love makes us human, and so does pain. Learn from your experience and try to move on. You owe yourself happiness. If you cannot do it for yourself, then do it for the people who has been there with you in your sorrow. They love you too and as much as they wanted to help remove the bad emotions in you, they can't unless you let yourself be healed. Life and love is so beautiful; you just have to acknowledge that it is not centered on that specific person that broke your heart. 

Final Word: Let go. Let God. 

Genuine Happiness

                  It's 11:05 in the evening and I can't sleep. I wanted to burst in tears but I can't. Maybe because I've forgotten to, or maybe because I've forbidden myself to exhibit how fragile I am a long time ago. I just feel like crap right now. It's so hard to pretend that your happy when you feel that you're being shredded in to pieces.
                   I feel stuck in desolation. It's like my feet are glued to the ground while I watch people go on with their lives. I even barely feel alive right now. I know it is inappropriate to feel this way because I've got so much to be thankful for but I just can't help but wish I could easily make myself believe that things are going to end up well. I wanted to lie down and rest but closing my eyes and drifting to the dimension where darkness is the only visible thing just reverberates all the frustrations I had in life. It baffles me how a single incident can have so much impact on me. As much as I want to make the time stop and hibernate for a while, I can't because life goes on, so must I.

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

 "Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising in everytime we fall". -Confucius 

                                The Philippines has been tormented by heavy rains these past few days. Some argue that it's about God's wrath while some say that it's about Global warming. I can only assure you one thing though, and that is no one is enjoying this kind of situation.

                                 A lot of students had been persistently wishing that classes would be suspended. I have to admit that sometimes I am one of them. Well, our wish was granted... perhaps, too much was actually given to us. So here I am, in front of the computer, writing my insights on this matter. I'm not really the emphatic type of person, but right now a lot of thoughts just come rushing in to my mind.

                                 I realized that nobody wanted this to happen. Maybe some students did, but without realizing the costs. Who would want to be stuck inside the house with no food or water? Who would want to experience a brown out? Who would want to wander in streets submerged in filthy water? Of course... NOBODY. So, who's fault is it?

                                 The answer to that question would definitely not be NOBODY. God probably made it rain but He didn't make the flood. I was watching the news and saw the horrifying pictures of the piles of garbage floating and then I saw someone blaming the government for what has happened in their Barangay. To tell you honestly, I was really disappointed with this. It's not the first time that this kind of calamity happened. I bet every one knows how devastating Ondoy was and it was just 2009 when it struck the Philippines. Watching the news, I can't help but ask, "When will we ever learn?" Do we have to go through this over and over again? We have to find a solution... and to do that, we must realize or determine the roots of the problem. There's too much evidence that the world is not the same as it was before. If you say you still can't feel or notice it, research or wait for another calamity to shove in your face.

                                Don't get me wrong. I'm not washing my hands or pretending that I have nothing to do with this. I'm not a perfect steward of God's creation and I bet nobody is.One has to admit that at some point of his life, he has vandalized the beautiful surroundings even by just committing petty stuff such as littering. But I hope that some may be enlightened with what's currently going on, and bit by bit, try to mend their ways. There was in fact a man who lost all his family members in just one instant. 9 of his family members died in the landslide. He was dumbfounded. I can tell that he was overwhelmed by his loss. There are more people out there who are suffering, people who are waiting for help... people who's stories are waiting to be told. I'm not really an emphatic type of person but the news struck me really hard. It was painful to watch because unlike the movies or teleseryes that I guess all of us are fond of, this is something real.... IT IS HAPPENING.

                               A while ago, my mother and I went to church. Beside it was the parish hall where the evacuees found refuge. Seeing them makes me wonder, what if I was in their situation? What if all that I've worked was just washed out by the flood? I can't even imagine it. And I felt really bad for the many times that I've complained about our food at home or on how ugly my clothes are. I felt bad for the many times I just put a lot of things to waste. I felt bad for the time I've wasted. I felt bad that I wish it that there will be a storm disregarding the fact that a lot of people will be affected and a lot of lives would be put at stake. Right now, I actually feel bad that I'm right here, when in fact, a lot of people are in dire need of help. Melodramatic, isn't it? Well, wait till you experience it.

                                I've never lost faith on the Filipino people. I will always be grateful that I am a Filipino but we must admit that we have to change our ways. We have to discipline ourselves, not only for our welfare but also for the welfare of others. When will this end? It will end only if we decide to put an end to this. Minimize garbage, reduce waste, conserve and whatever other things that can help us alleviate the bad effects of these calamities.

                                You know, the one good thing I really see on this is how we help others in these kinds of situation. Look at the rescuers, the reporters and the officials who are almost 24/7 working to help the people in need. They're the real heroes because they sacrifice their lives even for people who they don't even know. There was one who tweeted that she was luck that she wasn't in the Philippines and that the Philippines was so poor. Well, the Philippines might be a poor country compared to the USA or other first world countries, but that would only be on the material aspect. What we Filipino's have is the emotional resilience, that even though these unfortunate events happen, we sill manage to have a smile on our faces and believe that God's invisible hand is always there, and that tomorrow will be a better day. Being materially impoverished is less essential. Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, it chooses nobody. It doesn't care about your status in life. Having the spirit to face these problems is the real important thing. So for that person, who tweeted that, we're also thankful that you're not in the Philippines. We don't need people like you here and I hope these things won't happen to where you are.

                                I don't know how to end this with words. I guess the more appropriate conclusion would be ACTION and PRAYER. We may not know when exactly the rain will stop but it will... eventually because God will never give us something that we cannot surpass. I don't really know my exact purpose of writing this and maybe only 10 or so people would be interested in reading this blog but for those who are able to read it, I hope that you're safe and that the words I put here would enlighten you. God bless :)

                               

The Sixth Sense

It's been a while since I've written a film review and as of the moment I am under the influence of alcohol so forgive my grammatical errors :) Thank you :)
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The Sixth Sense
Rating : 4/5

       "A horror movie with a story". Well, if you want films which depict the previously mentioned, then the Sixth Sense is a film for you. It's very rare that you find horror films of this kind. My brother told me that it was boring and discouraged me to watch this film but as a horror movie enthusiast, I cannot resist watching this kind of movie. If I didn't watch the Sixth Sense, then I must say I would have lost a great deal. A lot of modern day horror/thriller/suspense movies have lacked a good plot. Most would just have the morbid stuff, the shocking musical score and the gory faces of the ghosts but in the end, a critical viewer would just say that the movie was simply empty.

       The Sixth Sense didn't have me jolting from my seat due to fear and anxiety. I had a few scares. Now, it must be baffling to you why I still gave it a 4. I've watched creepy movies ever since I was a child. The Exorcist scared the hell out of me and left me a little frantic. The Sixth Sense didn't do the same. As a horror movie, it wasn't really scary. As a whole, well, it was a gorgeous and cleverly done movie. It's my favorite among the Shymalan's creations. It's a paradigm shift from the menacing pictures other movies portray about ghosts. It was just simple and believable in the minimalists sense. In an effortless way, it will give you creeps. It just proves that there is actually no dire need to have those grandiose effects to send the audience screaming and say that it is one hell of a good horrifying and nerve-wracking movie.

        Furthermore, the actors were really good especially the one who played as Cole. Haley Joel Osment did a fantastic job. The movie wouldn't be so much effective without him. His fear in the movie almost felt real. Oh, and Bruce Willis was also good. To tell you honestly, when I saw his name on the DVD case, I became quite incredulous on how he's going to deliver it because I've only watched his action films. But man, I was so wrong. I cannot really say that he was perfect for the role but he did justice to the movie. Another plus side for the movie is the script. Whoever made it, hands down. Very rare do movies of this genre actually has meaning and words that stick in the minds of the viewers. There are actually only two things that I wish were done in the movie: (1) I wish it was more elaborated and (2) A few more scares.

       I was really happy I didn't listen to my brother's advice of not watching the movie. I don't recommend this to those who prefer to watch hardcore bloodshed or over the top freaky movies because I am pretty sure that you'll end up being bored, just like my brother. If you want movies that will give you creeps but definitely has a story, then you must really watch this. The Sixth Sense is not just a typical horror movie of a child who has the ability to see dead people; it is a movie that actually makes sense.

PS. The ending was gorgeous :)

Happiness

Sophomore year
It wasn't an easy year, I had to admit. To be honest, it is probably one of the the hardest years of my life . There were a lot of setbacks that actually had a great impact on me. Love, friendship, studies but the greatest was self-struggle. There was a great deal of grief and pain during those days which seemed to me almost insurmountable.I was angry with myself. I felt that I was a failure, that I always let people down, that every effort I exert is futile, and there were many times I felt that I don't belong anywhere. But then, thinking of it now, I must say that all of it was just plain stupid.

I thought that the world was mad at me but the reality is I am mad with myself. I was sad due to the mere fact that I chose to be lonely. I failed to realize that God actually gives a thousand reasons for me to celebrate each day with joy. I woke up this morning, and thank Him for letting me live another day, for giving me the chance to mend my mistakes, for letting me see my family once again, for letting me talk to my friends who help in making my problems oblivious, for the sight of His beautiful creation each time I go out to the comforts of my home... It will take me forever to cite everything that I should be grateful for. I don't know what was with me before.

Throughout this issue with myself, I have never been alone. God never left me and I actually felt his omnipresence. I remember crying in the church, talking to him, telling him the feeling of desolation and that soon I might succumb to the pangs of destiny. I knew He was there listening. I may not hear or see him, but I felt him in a way that I guess, is impossible to be explained even by the most erudite person in the world.

I remember my obsession with UP. I used to ask him why I didn't pass in my dream school; why did He give the chance to others and not me, or if I was less deserving.I have tried to get into UP a lot of times. I was so obsessed with the idea that I was even willing to take a course that I hated. Heaven knows that I tried my best. It was painful, knowing that only a tad bit, I would already be in there. I remember crying in my mother's arms, coiling my body into a ball, and blaming myself for not exerting sufficient effort to get in. What hurts the most was feeling like you're a mess and incapable because other people made you feel so. Well, I actually knew all along that I wanted to get in there because of other people's expectations. The thing was, I had also made it my personal reality.

 And now I ask myself if I am happy where I am right now. The answer is yes. There is probably nothing else I could wish for. I've got the most fabulous set of "crazy" and genuine friends. I have been able to overcome my fears. I never would have thought I can come out of my shell and sing in front of people. I never would have thought I could become a class president. I never would have thought that I can be who I want to be. I owe all of this to the people who surrounded me, who pushed me to become a better individual.

I actually realized that only you can determine who you are. People can say a lot of things about you. They can drag you down and punch you with harsh words... but that is only if you let them. I am pretty sure these kind of people have their personal struggles which provoke them to vent their problems by bashing others. I know a lot of them, but to tell you honestly, what they say is nothing. Just don't let them define who you are.

So what's the bottomline of this? What I am trying to say is that everything happens for a reason. God has a better design and plan for our lives. His ways are different from ours. Also, every decision we make each day has a correlative effect on our future so we must be very careful with our choices. Lastly, there is one key to happiness... and that is simple letting yourself become (happy, love, and be loved).

Black Swan

     The Black Swan was a movie directed by Darren Aronofsky which hit the theathers last 2010. The movie revolves around the story of a ballerina, Nina Sayers who was chosen to play the lead role in "Swan Lake." Nina Sayers has become completely obsessed with perfection that she almost lost her sanity. It was a movie that exemplified DARKNESS and suffice to say, one of the best of all time.

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    I was discerning this morning and I incidentally remembered the Black Swan. It's one of the few movies that really captured my interest. I liked it because it was cleverly done, had top-notch performances, and had a superb storyline, but lately, I realized that all I just mentioned are not the main reasons why I loved it.

   I see myself in Nina Sayers.  She was a mirror of my personality. I was very much like her, minus the fact that I hate dancing. I wanted to be perfect; I wanted to be the epitome of every single thing that I loved and I wanted to be that ideal person. Thinking about all these things has obscured the fact that I am just a human being who has the propensity to commit mistakes. I have been pushing myself too hard that I forgot I still have a "life". I thought people surrounding me were the ones who were pushing me to the limit; but perhaps, I am wrong. I was the biggest enemy of myself. It was me all along who continually drives myself crazy.

    I really find it hard to accept mistakes. I always blame myself whenever bad things happen around. I become really insecure whenever someone surpasses what I done. Maybe this was rooted from my childhood  days when the only thing I had to prove myself to anyone was to excel in my studies. And so, I tried my best, I studied hard and for a long time and forgot to enjoy. Recently, I was having a hard time coping with the events of  life because of the results of our preliminary exams. I considered the grades I got mediocre, and I was punishing myself to be lonely for having an insufficient preparation. I just can't get off my mind what it could have been if I was well-prepared. For days, depression has seeped within me that it became to much to handle. I have created my own boundaries.

   Right now, with all these realizations, I am trying to at least neutralize my way of thinking. I have to inculcate in my mind that some things are beyond my control. This perception, the destructive part in the dark recesses of my mind should disappear. I know it wouldn't be that easy to just take it off, but I've got to have courage to surpass this self-torment that I have created. I don't want to end up like Nina becoming insane because of such disposition in life. As I always quote what Leroy said, "The only person standing in your way is you," I am very much aware that this time, I am the only one who can save myself.