Happiness

Sophomore year
It wasn't an easy year, I had to admit. To be honest, it is probably one of the the hardest years of my life . There were a lot of setbacks that actually had a great impact on me. Love, friendship, studies but the greatest was self-struggle. There was a great deal of grief and pain during those days which seemed to me almost insurmountable.I was angry with myself. I felt that I was a failure, that I always let people down, that every effort I exert is futile, and there were many times I felt that I don't belong anywhere. But then, thinking of it now, I must say that all of it was just plain stupid.

I thought that the world was mad at me but the reality is I am mad with myself. I was sad due to the mere fact that I chose to be lonely. I failed to realize that God actually gives a thousand reasons for me to celebrate each day with joy. I woke up this morning, and thank Him for letting me live another day, for giving me the chance to mend my mistakes, for letting me see my family once again, for letting me talk to my friends who help in making my problems oblivious, for the sight of His beautiful creation each time I go out to the comforts of my home... It will take me forever to cite everything that I should be grateful for. I don't know what was with me before.

Throughout this issue with myself, I have never been alone. God never left me and I actually felt his omnipresence. I remember crying in the church, talking to him, telling him the feeling of desolation and that soon I might succumb to the pangs of destiny. I knew He was there listening. I may not hear or see him, but I felt him in a way that I guess, is impossible to be explained even by the most erudite person in the world.

I remember my obsession with UP. I used to ask him why I didn't pass in my dream school; why did He give the chance to others and not me, or if I was less deserving.I have tried to get into UP a lot of times. I was so obsessed with the idea that I was even willing to take a course that I hated. Heaven knows that I tried my best. It was painful, knowing that only a tad bit, I would already be in there. I remember crying in my mother's arms, coiling my body into a ball, and blaming myself for not exerting sufficient effort to get in. What hurts the most was feeling like you're a mess and incapable because other people made you feel so. Well, I actually knew all along that I wanted to get in there because of other people's expectations. The thing was, I had also made it my personal reality.

 And now I ask myself if I am happy where I am right now. The answer is yes. There is probably nothing else I could wish for. I've got the most fabulous set of "crazy" and genuine friends. I have been able to overcome my fears. I never would have thought I can come out of my shell and sing in front of people. I never would have thought I could become a class president. I never would have thought that I can be who I want to be. I owe all of this to the people who surrounded me, who pushed me to become a better individual.

I actually realized that only you can determine who you are. People can say a lot of things about you. They can drag you down and punch you with harsh words... but that is only if you let them. I am pretty sure these kind of people have their personal struggles which provoke them to vent their problems by bashing others. I know a lot of them, but to tell you honestly, what they say is nothing. Just don't let them define who you are.

So what's the bottomline of this? What I am trying to say is that everything happens for a reason. God has a better design and plan for our lives. His ways are different from ours. Also, every decision we make each day has a correlative effect on our future so we must be very careful with our choices. Lastly, there is one key to happiness... and that is simple letting yourself become (happy, love, and be loved).

Black Swan

     The Black Swan was a movie directed by Darren Aronofsky which hit the theathers last 2010. The movie revolves around the story of a ballerina, Nina Sayers who was chosen to play the lead role in "Swan Lake." Nina Sayers has become completely obsessed with perfection that she almost lost her sanity. It was a movie that exemplified DARKNESS and suffice to say, one of the best of all time.

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    I was discerning this morning and I incidentally remembered the Black Swan. It's one of the few movies that really captured my interest. I liked it because it was cleverly done, had top-notch performances, and had a superb storyline, but lately, I realized that all I just mentioned are not the main reasons why I loved it.

   I see myself in Nina Sayers.  She was a mirror of my personality. I was very much like her, minus the fact that I hate dancing. I wanted to be perfect; I wanted to be the epitome of every single thing that I loved and I wanted to be that ideal person. Thinking about all these things has obscured the fact that I am just a human being who has the propensity to commit mistakes. I have been pushing myself too hard that I forgot I still have a "life". I thought people surrounding me were the ones who were pushing me to the limit; but perhaps, I am wrong. I was the biggest enemy of myself. It was me all along who continually drives myself crazy.

    I really find it hard to accept mistakes. I always blame myself whenever bad things happen around. I become really insecure whenever someone surpasses what I done. Maybe this was rooted from my childhood  days when the only thing I had to prove myself to anyone was to excel in my studies. And so, I tried my best, I studied hard and for a long time and forgot to enjoy. Recently, I was having a hard time coping with the events of  life because of the results of our preliminary exams. I considered the grades I got mediocre, and I was punishing myself to be lonely for having an insufficient preparation. I just can't get off my mind what it could have been if I was well-prepared. For days, depression has seeped within me that it became to much to handle. I have created my own boundaries.

   Right now, with all these realizations, I am trying to at least neutralize my way of thinking. I have to inculcate in my mind that some things are beyond my control. This perception, the destructive part in the dark recesses of my mind should disappear. I know it wouldn't be that easy to just take it off, but I've got to have courage to surpass this self-torment that I have created. I don't want to end up like Nina becoming insane because of such disposition in life. As I always quote what Leroy said, "The only person standing in your way is you," I am very much aware that this time, I am the only one who can save myself.

Self-Torment

I should have posted the other day about this but I didn't know how to put into words what I felt. Right now, I find it hard to have self-esteem. Too bad I had to lose it all before realizing that I've just let opportunities slip away. I would have like to indulge myself into the thought that all my failures were just a product of fate, but as much as I wanted to believe in that, I can't hide from the fact that I would only be fooling myself.

It feels bad to know that I could have done better, that I could have been happier, that things wouldn't have turned out gloomy if I just did my best. But then, what's done is done. I just feel that I've failed in accomplishing my obligations- with my classmates, with my family, with my friends and most of all, with MYSELF. I know I have this attitude of "egoism" in me and it's ruining my disposition. I feel hopeless. I simply feel that I wouldn't be able to cope up. Sometimes I want to bang my head on the wall so I could divert my mind from overthinking. They say that I shouldn't blame myself for everything, but who else is there to blame when it's obvious that it is my fault? Maybe I just have the propensity to ruin things.

I am now confused. I wish I can redeem myself but I don't really know how. I am so ravaged and I having a hard time making myself believe that there will always be a tomorrow to mend all the mistakes. How can I help others, when I can't even save myself from depression?

Troubled.

I should be sleeping right now. I wish I would go totally blank. I wish that I could rewind time so that I could spend the start of 2012 in a better way, not just sulking here in from of the computer blogging on how terrible I feel. As of this moment, everyone has fallen asleep, and I'm the only one, with the bulging eyes due to the excessive downpour of tears, who is wide awake. I wish that I could talk to someone right now, I wish that I could hug someone right now, I wish that this time there would be someone who'll just be there. I know people are willing to listen and to accompany me in these dark hours, but it would be too inconsiderate of me to spoil their nights with my petty and shallow disturbances.  They're just too happy, and I can't afford to ruin their evening. I actually envy them because I also wanted to be happy, but every time I try to indulge myself to such feeling, it becomes so evasive, and suddenly, chain of events will just turn everything miserable. Right now I feel empty and worthless. And alone. I have been such a pain in the ass the whole 2011 and I guess I must learn to handle depression without having to bother anybody. The truth is I am actually feeling bad because I know I have been so annoying.

I am trying to suppress my tears, but I just can't. It's as if it has already become an involuntary action. I've turned 18, but I realized, what has changed was just the number. I realized that maybe, who I am right now isn't what I really want, it's what people wanted me to be that it has come to the point that I, myself, am lost in the ambiguity of my personality. Maybe I am shallow, too delicate, and oversensitive. But am I not allowed to become vulnerable to such emotions? Shouldn't I justify my actions? Must I always yield to commands? Am I not allowed to choose things that can make me deliriously happy? Does everything always has to be my fault? Am I being too abusive of my personal liberty? Am I such a bad child? I was just asking for this one night, to have fun, was that too much?

I wanted to be optimistic about this year but how can I continuously think that it will all be fine when all of these is happening? My heart has been torn in to pieces that I don't even know if I would still be able to recuperate. Right now, I just feel that it's as if everything/everyone I love, disowns me.I don't know why all these terrible things have to happen consequently but I want this to end.  Tomorrow, I'll wake up again, and I must say, I don't know how to face it. God, if you're listening, I badly need you right now. Please God, please be here with me, even just for this night because I don't know how much long I could stand the loneliness.

Please Read. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU

Allow me to have my melodramatic moment here. Actually di ko alam kung paano sisimulan kasi up to now overwhelmed pa rin ako. I asked God one thing and that is to witness a "miracle". Seems impossible right? But you know, ngayon ko lang napatunayan na walang imposible kay God. I was really surprised and realized how ungrateful I was. Thank you Orfeon Cbe Choir sa surprise! Kahit na hectic schedule niyo lahat, you still found the time to go here and serenade me :(( I am super touchedd! Alam niyo bang dream ko makantahan. Natouch din ako sa mga messages niyo:)) Thank you The Avengers and Chx sa surprise sa classroom :(( Lahat ng pwede kong mahiling, binigay niyo na lalo na si :)) To tell you honestly, I was crying the whole week and this is the first night in a long time na iiyak ako not because I am sad and frustrated, but because I am overwhelmed with joy. Sa mga kapamilya ko super thank you :)Sa lahat ng naggreet thank you. Sa mga friends ko sa SHS na never ako nakalimutan igreet, thank you! Sa 2eco2 thank you. I dunno how to express my extreme gratitude. Napasaya niyo ako ng sobra. I don't know how to pay you back :(   Ngayon ko lang nafeel na may sense yung buhay ko. Sorry ang drama ko pero sa sobrang saya ko, feeling ko di na ako makakatulog. Ayun lang. Lahat kayo gift ni God sakin. All of you were the "miracle" that I asked from him :)

A Series of Unfortunate Events

          Today, I find the necessity to write what I really feel because it's the only way I know to solace the overwhelming sadness I have in me right now. It was since last week that I've started to feel defeated, incompetent and irrelevant. I tried not to think about it, but all the negative thoughts have piled and coalesced to a solid punch that has eventually knocked me down.

         I am very much aware that my fatal flaw is to overthink. I tend to aggravate problems and to take things too seriously.  I was always like this, even as a child.  I may have a strong facade, but the truth is I am very delicate. People seldom see me cry, but the truth is there were many nights I've spent in the comforts of my bed crying a river. I want to tell people what I feel, or what I think, every single detail of it, but I'm afraid that they may see me as a weakling, when the truth is I really am. I want to do a lot of things, to accomplish a lot of goals, but my insecurities have been superb in holding me back. The fact is, I've been a skeptic of my own abilities. There are a lot of times I wish I could fold myself, so that I can be something else, just like an origami.

       I want to be honest. I want to be really transparent. What hinders me from being vocal is fear. Fear of being to shallow. Fear of being unreasonable. Fear of making things worse. I don't want to get mad, and so I hold back my anger and just let it pass. It is hard keeping myself composed when all I want to do is to rant and tell people it's not okay anymore. I am a coward. I don't want people to see that other part of me, that I am trying to hide. I don't want people to see that abhorrent side that will just push them away from me. But sometimes I wish I can also be brave enough to tell them the truth. The problem is, is there any proper way to do so?

         It's quite fortunate that this day will soon be over. I'm tired, and I guess sleeping would be a temporary escape from sadness. I am happy that I've been triggered to cry again because it kindles my hope that I will run out of it. What I am undergoing right now is what some may call "a struggle within". I am completely lost in the void, and also continuously feeling the pangs of confusion. I can't even see a vivid image of myself.

         Readers of this post my see me as a person full of shit loads of drama. I am, indeed and I am very much aware of that. Sorry if I wasted your time, but let me just say that everyone has his/her own way of confiding his/her feelings- and this is how I do it.

Hello Tomorrow.

        It has been a while since I last updated my blog. A lot things happened and I would have written all of my sentiments here if it weren't for the very busy schedule we had in school. Yesterday was the start of our vacation and I took the time to carefully discern on the experiences I had. Here's a couple of important things that I realized:

(1) It takes time to heal.

       I've been pretty much ravaged the previous semester. I was reading my posts and I was shocked on the intensity of my words. I was indeed a hopeless romantic. But here's the thing, I look at myself now and I am okay. I may not have full recovered but at least, I'm emotionally better. Time has actually weathered the storm. The pain, hurt, and sorrow...  are slowly slipping away. For months, all of it has been with me, mainly because I didn't want to let go of it. I wanted to be in pain. It was my choice. I eventually got tired and decided that maybe I deserved better than that. Maybe I should help myself. Maybe I had enough. Maybe already had too much. To tell you honestly, I don't know when I stopped hurting. I just woke up one day feeling nothing at all. It was a state of oblivion, a state where there's no space for me to feel anything. Believe me, during those times when I was distraught, it was like passing through a sinuous road that has no end. The truth is will have no end, only if you've set your mind to that. So don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes, the only person standing in your way is you (I got this from the Black Swan)

(2) You'll never know how bad another person really feels.

       It is true. No matter how hard you try to be emphatic, you'll never have the same intensity of hurt of another person. You can only try to understand or feel. I'm not trying to insinuate that listening to your friend's problems or catastrophic experiences is useless. What I'm saying is that if you already feel bad listening to their stories, how much more if you were in your friend's position? Giving time to listen to someone who badly needs it is priceless. If it weren't for the patience of my friends bearing with me and tolerating me, I would have turned myself into a complete train wreck. I've been pretty hardheaded and didn't listen to their advice and yes, I regret it a lot. Everybody needs someone. When the burden weighs on you, it wouldn't hurt to seek for help.

(3) God has a plan

      Nobody knows what God is planning but one thing is for sure: there is a reason for every struggle. It makes you stronger, it teaches you how to fight and how to be better. Try to take a moment to vent to him all that you feel. Tell him how much you hate you hate what's going on, just let your emotions flow. It will make you feel better. This may sound cliche, but God is always there. He provides, and in times of need, his presence will surely be felt.


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Last note: 

Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the sadness. Allow yourself to be happy. Never regret that you loved someone even if it caused you so much pain because it is what makes you human.