This Is Why You Love Someone Who Is Not Yours

It all starts with assumptions. It starts with the voice at the back of head telling you that this time, it will probably work out. That this time things won’t probably go wrong because you’ve already learned a lot from the previous heartache. You assume because you start to hope again that it could escalate to a degree which is more than friendship. But you do not simply make assumptions for the sake of make-believe. You make assumptions because you see signs emanated by the one you love. Some may call it reckless and stupid, but it is still one of the forces of human nature which is hard, if not impossible, to defy.

As you continue to “assume” that the feeling is mutual, you let yourself become more vulnerable to heartache. The walls you have start to disintegrate and you become comfortable with him. He is the only one who could make you feel that way. This becomes a routine, and then you morph into a whimsical and hopeful being, like children looking forward to the promise of their reward after being docile to their parents or teachers’ orders. However, not all promises are fulfilled, just like not all love become reciprocated.

But even if you start to figure out that there is something wrong, you push it at the back of your mind because the scanty amount of hope was enough to make you cling on to what you both have. It was enough for you to stay. Even if he treats you like you’re an option, even if he values you less than what you are, even when you already come to realize that it will not work in the long run, you continue to talk to him and gamble with your chances. You’ll know when the spur of emotions fades but you will deny it and think of it as momentary. That would be the moment when he starts to call you only when he gets bored, when he starts to make excuses, when the good morning messages become rare and when he becomes too busy to even spare a minute to say hi and ask you how your day was. But even if this hurts, it was impossible for you to make demands because you know that you do not own him. There’s no label to what you have, but you assume that maybe both of you will get there. You were too afraid of losing him because you thought he was the one. But the truth is, he is not.

Sometimes, we assume too much that we live in our own ideas, and this hinders us from seeing the reality. And so we give ourselves completely to one person, regardless of what they truly feel about us. But when the fatal words, “I do not really love you,” comes ringing in our ears, we see the world as a catastrophic place and ask ourselves why we didn’t see it coming when the truth is that the signs were there all along.

There is a demarcation line between being in love with a person and being in love with the “idea of falling in love”. If you’re meant to be together, you will be, without forcing it to happen. Same thing goes the other way around. If he wants to leave, let him because the right one will stay even without you asking or begging for it. If he treats you like an option and if he values you less than what you are, muster enough courage to be the one to let go because you deserve someone better. He may be there now, but he will leave you, eventually. You have to realize that sometimes, there are things more than just love, and I am referring to “yourself”. I know that this contradicts the notion that it is a selfless act, but I guess it’s never too wrong to still leave some, or even a little for you as a person, as a being. It is hard, but sometimes the right decisions are not necessarily the convenient ones.

Cliché as this may sound like, but I believe that things happen for a reason. When those I’ve mentioned unfortunately occurs, think of it as something that sets you in the right direction. Take it as a constant reminder that there is someone else out there that could give you the love that you’ve yearned for, the kind of love that knows no limits and the kind of love that you can give or even greater.

What Depression Really Feels Like

(I was too much drawn on the previous post I've read on Thought Catalog  and this provoked me to blog about it too because I am also one of those people who are experiencing this kind of situation. I didn't mean this to be read by anyone because this would totally be on me, but if you have time to scan through it and see how things circulate in my head, then feel free.)

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/03/10-confessions-of-someone-with-depression/

The truth is I didn't really want to be like this. If there's an easy cure for experiencing depression, I would take it with the blink of an eye. I do not know where it comes from. It's just something that occurs and as much as I wanted to elude it, it's merely impossible to do. It's in me, and I cannot signal it outward my totality as a being. 

Like what I had read, there would be moments in most days where my mind would completely become shut and I would suddenly feel sad for no apparent reason. It could be anywhere, whether it be in class or home, while walking or just sitting across the room. It doesn't really matter. When depression starts to seep in through me, then there is nothing else I could do but to feel it. And it sucks you know, because there would be times when everyone would be enjoying, and I would just want to dissolve into molecules because I cannot take part of that joy with this kind of feeling that I have in me. 

And yes, there would also be blissful days. Days where happiness becomes the victor. Days where I would feel like I'm a completely normal person. Days where my facade would disintegrate and I do not have to try so hard to act like everything is okay, because everything is actually okay. Days where overthinking and anxiety is not a part of my system. 

But these days are rare. And this is the main reason why I cannot let myself dangle on moments where there is completely nothing to do. Because if I would let that happen, a great deal of painful memories would start to permeate in my brain. And so I either write, read, watch a movie, sing, or talk to a friend just to figure out an escape route. 

I've been open about this to everyone and I've never been ashamed about it because that's me. At one point or another, they would notice it because it's not all the time that I could wear a mask and sublimely act and show that I'm perfectly fine- and that's because I'm not and I do acknowledge that fatal flaw. Some may even think that my openness about it demands pity from anyone. And no, it's not demanding pity. It's me trying to explain myself to people because some may not understand why I act peculiar at certain times. And I do know that I could get really selfish when I vent the negative emotions I have regardless of what other people may feel at the moment. I know that I am one of the hardest people to put up with and I am truly sorry for that. But I have to admit that I need help. I've been trying my best to bottle up some of it, but sometimes it's just too much for me to take. 

I am fragile that sometimes I think anything could possibly break me. But then, I was lucky to have friends who understand. People who would not hesitate to listen to you even when you are blabbering the most shallow issues that one could be depressed about. I would forever be indebted to these people. I still have some issues, but I'm trying to gather my composure and to be better at it each passing day because I know I'm not anyone's responsibility... and it's the least I could do repay these people's kindness. 

But you know... some days are just hard. 

Why You Think You Shouldn't, Even Though You Can

Each one of as probably has things in mind that we choose to keep, burdensome secrets that we wish we could simply tell, or emotions and sentiments that we choose to hide in our faked smiles. Blurting it out is always an option, but we choose to shun this idea. Maybe because we are afraid. Or maybe because we lack enough provocation to do so. Or maybe because we merely did not have enough courage. 

I have been pondering on this idea for a while. I have been looking back at some significant memories which could have been altered by simply telling how I really felt with no holds barred. What if I told him that I also love him 2 and 1/2 years ago when he confessed his feelings 1 month after? What if I told him that it felt like a dagger was thrown directly to my heart when he told me that he already loved somebody else right after I confessed to him? What if I told him that I have been under what seemed like a incessant suffering? What if I stopped pretending that it was okay?  It would have been a big relief and things would probably have been very different today. But then, the painful reality dawns again and I start to realize that no matter what I do, I cannot really change what has already conspired. 

So why do we do it? Why do we choose to embrace the pain even though there was an option to release it? I do believe that choosing not to tell is not necessarily wrong. Yes, maybe we are afraid and maybe we feel the pang of confusion. But at the end of the day, we choose to keep these things because in our discernment, it is what we think is right. We become martyrs because  we tend to save people who were supposed to know from melodrama. Because that is how you love. You let yourself become the sacrificial lamb. However, we also have to realize that in doing this, we also salvage ourselves from dealing with more ache that may arise if we tell more than what we were supposed to. And so we simply choose to wait for the memories to become oblivious or maybe unrelentingly wait for the right time. But then we set no lucid definition on "the right time" and so it seems to never come after all.

Whether it is right or not, we have to admit that we still wish we had told them. It maybe too late and may incur no significant bearing on the current situation but at least you were able to tell. At least you stop wondering of endless possibilities. At least you can unload yourself from the extra baggage in your mind and heart. At least you become honest and genuine for once.

 But even if you can, you still think you shouldn't. You wait and wait till you never get to say it. You succumb to the cowardice and fear of the unknown outcome. You decide that you'd rather "not know" than feel more pain because you might simply breakdown if the opposite of what you anticipate happens. You know "it can". We cannot run from the fact that we are not devoid of being hurt, and maybe we acknowledge it too much that we simply ascribe it to the future. 

2 and 1/2 years later, right at this moment, I still choose not to tell even though the love I had once for him has died already. I have to admit that I am afraid of the possibility that the shards of feelings I had would coalesce in a single form and that I would fall but my heart would be broken once again. Because that's what always happens. And ever since that incident, I somehow become calloused. Maybe because I also simply have chosen not to feel again. However, I do wish I could be transparent. I do wish that I am not afraid because I still keep on wondering what could have been. I know I can tell him, but I still think I should not. The right time might never come...

Pain Makes us Human

If I ask you why you love someone, what would your answer be? You could probably enumerate a lot of reasons as to why you fell in love with a specific person.You could tell me how aesthetically attractive he is or on how erudite his manner of speaking is or how much his words can make your heart melt. You could tell me how flawless and perfect he is that it baffles you how someone like him actually exists. However, all of these characteristics, no matter how enticing they may sound like, are just delusions. 

 

You do not choose the people you love. It is something that just comes. It is an inexplicable feeling that you unexpectedly encounter. It is something that you just know, and need not to explain. You fall in love because you just DO. You just wake up everyday having this joyful and inspired aura as if you won the lottery, knowing that you will talk or spend time with that special someone who has effortlessly smitten you. If what you feel is caused by any physical attribute or intrinsic goodness, then tell me why among all other people who could possess these characteristics did you choose him/her? It is, if I may say, magic- an emotion that springs from a void. 

For this reason- the inability to choose the one who captures your heart, you sometimes get hurt. It is because when you love someone, you're giving that person a ticket to inflict pain- whether his/her reason is rational or irrational. There is no assurance that you'll spend forever with him/her, what becomes important to you is the "NOW", the present, and that's why the possibility of an impending doom becomes oblivious. Nothing else matters as long as you know you still have that person. But then, things in love can get ugly, and when it does, you'll find yourself lost. 

One of the worst things in life is waking up the next day knowing that he/she is gone. What makes it worse is the feeling of helplessness, knowing that there is nothing you can do to reverse the situation or take back all that was lost. As much as you wanted to forget and bury the pain in the deepest recesses of your fragile heart, you just can't. Hence, you isolate yourself from everyone and indulge yourself with sorrow. You  lie in your bed and force yourself to sleep. But then, your efforts become futile because your brain starts to mock and haunt you with all the memories that still lingers- the midnight conversations, the laughter, and his sweetness- every single detail that distinguishes this person from everyone else; every single reason that made you fall in love with this person. And then, to aggravate the situation, "WHAT IFS" start to conjure in your mind and you unrelentingly try to figure out where things started to become a mess. You find it unfair that you are suffering from so much pain, which at the moment, feels so numbing and unbearable, while that person goes on with his/her life. 

It is unfair, but it is one of the inevitable realities of life... and love. I have been there and I have spent a lot of time wallowing in misery. Honestly, I am still not completely healed from the ravaging experience I had with love... but I am trying, because I know I have to. Let me tell you something, whoever is reading this and can find an empathy link with what I'm writing, you'll get pass through that. It may not be soon, but you will. Contrary to what other people might have advised you, I will not tell you to completely forget and eradicate all those things that make you remember your glorious days with him. It is because that would merely be impossible to do. It will stay with you forever like a scar, not unless you find a way, such as that in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", to make you forget. Those memories will momentarily reverberate and you cannot really escape from that. It will hurt for some time, maybe a long time, but it will not hurt you forever. At some certain point, you'll get tired of crying and you'll get used to the pain. And then the next thing you know is that the world is revolving again for you, and you start to realize that you don't want to be miserable anymore. It took me 2 and a half years to realize that, and it seemed like forever. Now that I'm starting to get back to my senses, I feel emancipated. I thought I will never reach this point, but I did, and so do you, whoever you are that is reading this article who is finding it hard to get over. 

Never regret loving someone and never be too afraid of being hurt. Love makes us human, and so does pain. Learn from your experience and try to move on. You owe yourself happiness. If you cannot do it for yourself, then do it for the people who has been there with you in your sorrow. They love you too and as much as they wanted to help remove the bad emotions in you, they can't unless you let yourself be healed. Life and love is so beautiful; you just have to acknowledge that it is not centered on that specific person that broke your heart. 

Final Word: Let go. Let God. 

Genuine Happiness

                  It's 11:05 in the evening and I can't sleep. I wanted to burst in tears but I can't. Maybe because I've forgotten to, or maybe because I've forbidden myself to exhibit how fragile I am a long time ago. I just feel like crap right now. It's so hard to pretend that your happy when you feel that you're being shredded in to pieces.
                   I feel stuck in desolation. It's like my feet are glued to the ground while I watch people go on with their lives. I even barely feel alive right now. I know it is inappropriate to feel this way because I've got so much to be thankful for but I just can't help but wish I could easily make myself believe that things are going to end up well. I wanted to lie down and rest but closing my eyes and drifting to the dimension where darkness is the only visible thing just reverberates all the frustrations I had in life. It baffles me how a single incident can have so much impact on me. As much as I want to make the time stop and hibernate for a while, I can't because life goes on, so must I.

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

 "Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising in everytime we fall". -Confucius 

                                The Philippines has been tormented by heavy rains these past few days. Some argue that it's about God's wrath while some say that it's about Global warming. I can only assure you one thing though, and that is no one is enjoying this kind of situation.

                                 A lot of students had been persistently wishing that classes would be suspended. I have to admit that sometimes I am one of them. Well, our wish was granted... perhaps, too much was actually given to us. So here I am, in front of the computer, writing my insights on this matter. I'm not really the emphatic type of person, but right now a lot of thoughts just come rushing in to my mind.

                                 I realized that nobody wanted this to happen. Maybe some students did, but without realizing the costs. Who would want to be stuck inside the house with no food or water? Who would want to experience a brown out? Who would want to wander in streets submerged in filthy water? Of course... NOBODY. So, who's fault is it?

                                 The answer to that question would definitely not be NOBODY. God probably made it rain but He didn't make the flood. I was watching the news and saw the horrifying pictures of the piles of garbage floating and then I saw someone blaming the government for what has happened in their Barangay. To tell you honestly, I was really disappointed with this. It's not the first time that this kind of calamity happened. I bet every one knows how devastating Ondoy was and it was just 2009 when it struck the Philippines. Watching the news, I can't help but ask, "When will we ever learn?" Do we have to go through this over and over again? We have to find a solution... and to do that, we must realize or determine the roots of the problem. There's too much evidence that the world is not the same as it was before. If you say you still can't feel or notice it, research or wait for another calamity to shove in your face.

                                Don't get me wrong. I'm not washing my hands or pretending that I have nothing to do with this. I'm not a perfect steward of God's creation and I bet nobody is.One has to admit that at some point of his life, he has vandalized the beautiful surroundings even by just committing petty stuff such as littering. But I hope that some may be enlightened with what's currently going on, and bit by bit, try to mend their ways. There was in fact a man who lost all his family members in just one instant. 9 of his family members died in the landslide. He was dumbfounded. I can tell that he was overwhelmed by his loss. There are more people out there who are suffering, people who are waiting for help... people who's stories are waiting to be told. I'm not really an emphatic type of person but the news struck me really hard. It was painful to watch because unlike the movies or teleseryes that I guess all of us are fond of, this is something real.... IT IS HAPPENING.

                               A while ago, my mother and I went to church. Beside it was the parish hall where the evacuees found refuge. Seeing them makes me wonder, what if I was in their situation? What if all that I've worked was just washed out by the flood? I can't even imagine it. And I felt really bad for the many times that I've complained about our food at home or on how ugly my clothes are. I felt bad for the many times I just put a lot of things to waste. I felt bad for the time I've wasted. I felt bad that I wish it that there will be a storm disregarding the fact that a lot of people will be affected and a lot of lives would be put at stake. Right now, I actually feel bad that I'm right here, when in fact, a lot of people are in dire need of help. Melodramatic, isn't it? Well, wait till you experience it.

                                I've never lost faith on the Filipino people. I will always be grateful that I am a Filipino but we must admit that we have to change our ways. We have to discipline ourselves, not only for our welfare but also for the welfare of others. When will this end? It will end only if we decide to put an end to this. Minimize garbage, reduce waste, conserve and whatever other things that can help us alleviate the bad effects of these calamities.

                                You know, the one good thing I really see on this is how we help others in these kinds of situation. Look at the rescuers, the reporters and the officials who are almost 24/7 working to help the people in need. They're the real heroes because they sacrifice their lives even for people who they don't even know. There was one who tweeted that she was luck that she wasn't in the Philippines and that the Philippines was so poor. Well, the Philippines might be a poor country compared to the USA or other first world countries, but that would only be on the material aspect. What we Filipino's have is the emotional resilience, that even though these unfortunate events happen, we sill manage to have a smile on our faces and believe that God's invisible hand is always there, and that tomorrow will be a better day. Being materially impoverished is less essential. Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, it chooses nobody. It doesn't care about your status in life. Having the spirit to face these problems is the real important thing. So for that person, who tweeted that, we're also thankful that you're not in the Philippines. We don't need people like you here and I hope these things won't happen to where you are.

                                I don't know how to end this with words. I guess the more appropriate conclusion would be ACTION and PRAYER. We may not know when exactly the rain will stop but it will... eventually because God will never give us something that we cannot surpass. I don't really know my exact purpose of writing this and maybe only 10 or so people would be interested in reading this blog but for those who are able to read it, I hope that you're safe and that the words I put here would enlighten you. God bless :)

                               

The Sixth Sense

It's been a while since I've written a film review and as of the moment I am under the influence of alcohol so forgive my grammatical errors :) Thank you :)
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The Sixth Sense
Rating : 4/5

       "A horror movie with a story". Well, if you want films which depict the previously mentioned, then the Sixth Sense is a film for you. It's very rare that you find horror films of this kind. My brother told me that it was boring and discouraged me to watch this film but as a horror movie enthusiast, I cannot resist watching this kind of movie. If I didn't watch the Sixth Sense, then I must say I would have lost a great deal. A lot of modern day horror/thriller/suspense movies have lacked a good plot. Most would just have the morbid stuff, the shocking musical score and the gory faces of the ghosts but in the end, a critical viewer would just say that the movie was simply empty.

       The Sixth Sense didn't have me jolting from my seat due to fear and anxiety. I had a few scares. Now, it must be baffling to you why I still gave it a 4. I've watched creepy movies ever since I was a child. The Exorcist scared the hell out of me and left me a little frantic. The Sixth Sense didn't do the same. As a horror movie, it wasn't really scary. As a whole, well, it was a gorgeous and cleverly done movie. It's my favorite among the Shymalan's creations. It's a paradigm shift from the menacing pictures other movies portray about ghosts. It was just simple and believable in the minimalists sense. In an effortless way, it will give you creeps. It just proves that there is actually no dire need to have those grandiose effects to send the audience screaming and say that it is one hell of a good horrifying and nerve-wracking movie.

        Furthermore, the actors were really good especially the one who played as Cole. Haley Joel Osment did a fantastic job. The movie wouldn't be so much effective without him. His fear in the movie almost felt real. Oh, and Bruce Willis was also good. To tell you honestly, when I saw his name on the DVD case, I became quite incredulous on how he's going to deliver it because I've only watched his action films. But man, I was so wrong. I cannot really say that he was perfect for the role but he did justice to the movie. Another plus side for the movie is the script. Whoever made it, hands down. Very rare do movies of this genre actually has meaning and words that stick in the minds of the viewers. There are actually only two things that I wish were done in the movie: (1) I wish it was more elaborated and (2) A few more scares.

       I was really happy I didn't listen to my brother's advice of not watching the movie. I don't recommend this to those who prefer to watch hardcore bloodshed or over the top freaky movies because I am pretty sure that you'll end up being bored, just like my brother. If you want movies that will give you creeps but definitely has a story, then you must really watch this. The Sixth Sense is not just a typical horror movie of a child who has the ability to see dead people; it is a movie that actually makes sense.

PS. The ending was gorgeous :)

Happiness

Sophomore year
It wasn't an easy year, I had to admit. To be honest, it is probably one of the the hardest years of my life . There were a lot of setbacks that actually had a great impact on me. Love, friendship, studies but the greatest was self-struggle. There was a great deal of grief and pain during those days which seemed to me almost insurmountable.I was angry with myself. I felt that I was a failure, that I always let people down, that every effort I exert is futile, and there were many times I felt that I don't belong anywhere. But then, thinking of it now, I must say that all of it was just plain stupid.

I thought that the world was mad at me but the reality is I am mad with myself. I was sad due to the mere fact that I chose to be lonely. I failed to realize that God actually gives a thousand reasons for me to celebrate each day with joy. I woke up this morning, and thank Him for letting me live another day, for giving me the chance to mend my mistakes, for letting me see my family once again, for letting me talk to my friends who help in making my problems oblivious, for the sight of His beautiful creation each time I go out to the comforts of my home... It will take me forever to cite everything that I should be grateful for. I don't know what was with me before.

Throughout this issue with myself, I have never been alone. God never left me and I actually felt his omnipresence. I remember crying in the church, talking to him, telling him the feeling of desolation and that soon I might succumb to the pangs of destiny. I knew He was there listening. I may not hear or see him, but I felt him in a way that I guess, is impossible to be explained even by the most erudite person in the world.

I remember my obsession with UP. I used to ask him why I didn't pass in my dream school; why did He give the chance to others and not me, or if I was less deserving.I have tried to get into UP a lot of times. I was so obsessed with the idea that I was even willing to take a course that I hated. Heaven knows that I tried my best. It was painful, knowing that only a tad bit, I would already be in there. I remember crying in my mother's arms, coiling my body into a ball, and blaming myself for not exerting sufficient effort to get in. What hurts the most was feeling like you're a mess and incapable because other people made you feel so. Well, I actually knew all along that I wanted to get in there because of other people's expectations. The thing was, I had also made it my personal reality.

 And now I ask myself if I am happy where I am right now. The answer is yes. There is probably nothing else I could wish for. I've got the most fabulous set of "crazy" and genuine friends. I have been able to overcome my fears. I never would have thought I can come out of my shell and sing in front of people. I never would have thought I could become a class president. I never would have thought that I can be who I want to be. I owe all of this to the people who surrounded me, who pushed me to become a better individual.

I actually realized that only you can determine who you are. People can say a lot of things about you. They can drag you down and punch you with harsh words... but that is only if you let them. I am pretty sure these kind of people have their personal struggles which provoke them to vent their problems by bashing others. I know a lot of them, but to tell you honestly, what they say is nothing. Just don't let them define who you are.

So what's the bottomline of this? What I am trying to say is that everything happens for a reason. God has a better design and plan for our lives. His ways are different from ours. Also, every decision we make each day has a correlative effect on our future so we must be very careful with our choices. Lastly, there is one key to happiness... and that is simple letting yourself become (happy, love, and be loved).

Black Swan

     The Black Swan was a movie directed by Darren Aronofsky which hit the theathers last 2010. The movie revolves around the story of a ballerina, Nina Sayers who was chosen to play the lead role in "Swan Lake." Nina Sayers has become completely obsessed with perfection that she almost lost her sanity. It was a movie that exemplified DARKNESS and suffice to say, one of the best of all time.

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    I was discerning this morning and I incidentally remembered the Black Swan. It's one of the few movies that really captured my interest. I liked it because it was cleverly done, had top-notch performances, and had a superb storyline, but lately, I realized that all I just mentioned are not the main reasons why I loved it.

   I see myself in Nina Sayers.  She was a mirror of my personality. I was very much like her, minus the fact that I hate dancing. I wanted to be perfect; I wanted to be the epitome of every single thing that I loved and I wanted to be that ideal person. Thinking about all these things has obscured the fact that I am just a human being who has the propensity to commit mistakes. I have been pushing myself too hard that I forgot I still have a "life". I thought people surrounding me were the ones who were pushing me to the limit; but perhaps, I am wrong. I was the biggest enemy of myself. It was me all along who continually drives myself crazy.

    I really find it hard to accept mistakes. I always blame myself whenever bad things happen around. I become really insecure whenever someone surpasses what I done. Maybe this was rooted from my childhood  days when the only thing I had to prove myself to anyone was to excel in my studies. And so, I tried my best, I studied hard and for a long time and forgot to enjoy. Recently, I was having a hard time coping with the events of  life because of the results of our preliminary exams. I considered the grades I got mediocre, and I was punishing myself to be lonely for having an insufficient preparation. I just can't get off my mind what it could have been if I was well-prepared. For days, depression has seeped within me that it became to much to handle. I have created my own boundaries.

   Right now, with all these realizations, I am trying to at least neutralize my way of thinking. I have to inculcate in my mind that some things are beyond my control. This perception, the destructive part in the dark recesses of my mind should disappear. I know it wouldn't be that easy to just take it off, but I've got to have courage to surpass this self-torment that I have created. I don't want to end up like Nina becoming insane because of such disposition in life. As I always quote what Leroy said, "The only person standing in your way is you," I am very much aware that this time, I am the only one who can save myself.

Self-Torment

I should have posted the other day about this but I didn't know how to put into words what I felt. Right now, I find it hard to have self-esteem. Too bad I had to lose it all before realizing that I've just let opportunities slip away. I would have like to indulge myself into the thought that all my failures were just a product of fate, but as much as I wanted to believe in that, I can't hide from the fact that I would only be fooling myself.

It feels bad to know that I could have done better, that I could have been happier, that things wouldn't have turned out gloomy if I just did my best. But then, what's done is done. I just feel that I've failed in accomplishing my obligations- with my classmates, with my family, with my friends and most of all, with MYSELF. I know I have this attitude of "egoism" in me and it's ruining my disposition. I feel hopeless. I simply feel that I wouldn't be able to cope up. Sometimes I want to bang my head on the wall so I could divert my mind from overthinking. They say that I shouldn't blame myself for everything, but who else is there to blame when it's obvious that it is my fault? Maybe I just have the propensity to ruin things.

I am now confused. I wish I can redeem myself but I don't really know how. I am so ravaged and I having a hard time making myself believe that there will always be a tomorrow to mend all the mistakes. How can I help others, when I can't even save myself from depression?

Troubled.

I should be sleeping right now. I wish I would go totally blank. I wish that I could rewind time so that I could spend the start of 2012 in a better way, not just sulking here in from of the computer blogging on how terrible I feel. As of this moment, everyone has fallen asleep, and I'm the only one, with the bulging eyes due to the excessive downpour of tears, who is wide awake. I wish that I could talk to someone right now, I wish that I could hug someone right now, I wish that this time there would be someone who'll just be there. I know people are willing to listen and to accompany me in these dark hours, but it would be too inconsiderate of me to spoil their nights with my petty and shallow disturbances.  They're just too happy, and I can't afford to ruin their evening. I actually envy them because I also wanted to be happy, but every time I try to indulge myself to such feeling, it becomes so evasive, and suddenly, chain of events will just turn everything miserable. Right now I feel empty and worthless. And alone. I have been such a pain in the ass the whole 2011 and I guess I must learn to handle depression without having to bother anybody. The truth is I am actually feeling bad because I know I have been so annoying.

I am trying to suppress my tears, but I just can't. It's as if it has already become an involuntary action. I've turned 18, but I realized, what has changed was just the number. I realized that maybe, who I am right now isn't what I really want, it's what people wanted me to be that it has come to the point that I, myself, am lost in the ambiguity of my personality. Maybe I am shallow, too delicate, and oversensitive. But am I not allowed to become vulnerable to such emotions? Shouldn't I justify my actions? Must I always yield to commands? Am I not allowed to choose things that can make me deliriously happy? Does everything always has to be my fault? Am I being too abusive of my personal liberty? Am I such a bad child? I was just asking for this one night, to have fun, was that too much?

I wanted to be optimistic about this year but how can I continuously think that it will all be fine when all of these is happening? My heart has been torn in to pieces that I don't even know if I would still be able to recuperate. Right now, I just feel that it's as if everything/everyone I love, disowns me.I don't know why all these terrible things have to happen consequently but I want this to end.  Tomorrow, I'll wake up again, and I must say, I don't know how to face it. God, if you're listening, I badly need you right now. Please God, please be here with me, even just for this night because I don't know how much long I could stand the loneliness.

Please Read. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU

Allow me to have my melodramatic moment here. Actually di ko alam kung paano sisimulan kasi up to now overwhelmed pa rin ako. I asked God one thing and that is to witness a "miracle". Seems impossible right? But you know, ngayon ko lang napatunayan na walang imposible kay God. I was really surprised and realized how ungrateful I was. Thank you Orfeon Cbe Choir sa surprise! Kahit na hectic schedule niyo lahat, you still found the time to go here and serenade me :(( I am super touchedd! Alam niyo bang dream ko makantahan. Natouch din ako sa mga messages niyo:)) Thank you The Avengers and Chx sa surprise sa classroom :(( Lahat ng pwede kong mahiling, binigay niyo na lalo na si :)) To tell you honestly, I was crying the whole week and this is the first night in a long time na iiyak ako not because I am sad and frustrated, but because I am overwhelmed with joy. Sa mga kapamilya ko super thank you :)Sa lahat ng naggreet thank you. Sa mga friends ko sa SHS na never ako nakalimutan igreet, thank you! Sa 2eco2 thank you. I dunno how to express my extreme gratitude. Napasaya niyo ako ng sobra. I don't know how to pay you back :(   Ngayon ko lang nafeel na may sense yung buhay ko. Sorry ang drama ko pero sa sobrang saya ko, feeling ko di na ako makakatulog. Ayun lang. Lahat kayo gift ni God sakin. All of you were the "miracle" that I asked from him :)

A Series of Unfortunate Events

          Today, I find the necessity to write what I really feel because it's the only way I know to solace the overwhelming sadness I have in me right now. It was since last week that I've started to feel defeated, incompetent and irrelevant. I tried not to think about it, but all the negative thoughts have piled and coalesced to a solid punch that has eventually knocked me down.

         I am very much aware that my fatal flaw is to overthink. I tend to aggravate problems and to take things too seriously.  I was always like this, even as a child.  I may have a strong facade, but the truth is I am very delicate. People seldom see me cry, but the truth is there were many nights I've spent in the comforts of my bed crying a river. I want to tell people what I feel, or what I think, every single detail of it, but I'm afraid that they may see me as a weakling, when the truth is I really am. I want to do a lot of things, to accomplish a lot of goals, but my insecurities have been superb in holding me back. The fact is, I've been a skeptic of my own abilities. There are a lot of times I wish I could fold myself, so that I can be something else, just like an origami.

       I want to be honest. I want to be really transparent. What hinders me from being vocal is fear. Fear of being to shallow. Fear of being unreasonable. Fear of making things worse. I don't want to get mad, and so I hold back my anger and just let it pass. It is hard keeping myself composed when all I want to do is to rant and tell people it's not okay anymore. I am a coward. I don't want people to see that other part of me, that I am trying to hide. I don't want people to see that abhorrent side that will just push them away from me. But sometimes I wish I can also be brave enough to tell them the truth. The problem is, is there any proper way to do so?

         It's quite fortunate that this day will soon be over. I'm tired, and I guess sleeping would be a temporary escape from sadness. I am happy that I've been triggered to cry again because it kindles my hope that I will run out of it. What I am undergoing right now is what some may call "a struggle within". I am completely lost in the void, and also continuously feeling the pangs of confusion. I can't even see a vivid image of myself.

         Readers of this post my see me as a person full of shit loads of drama. I am, indeed and I am very much aware of that. Sorry if I wasted your time, but let me just say that everyone has his/her own way of confiding his/her feelings- and this is how I do it.

Hello Tomorrow.

        It has been a while since I last updated my blog. A lot things happened and I would have written all of my sentiments here if it weren't for the very busy schedule we had in school. Yesterday was the start of our vacation and I took the time to carefully discern on the experiences I had. Here's a couple of important things that I realized:

(1) It takes time to heal.

       I've been pretty much ravaged the previous semester. I was reading my posts and I was shocked on the intensity of my words. I was indeed a hopeless romantic. But here's the thing, I look at myself now and I am okay. I may not have full recovered but at least, I'm emotionally better. Time has actually weathered the storm. The pain, hurt, and sorrow...  are slowly slipping away. For months, all of it has been with me, mainly because I didn't want to let go of it. I wanted to be in pain. It was my choice. I eventually got tired and decided that maybe I deserved better than that. Maybe I should help myself. Maybe I had enough. Maybe already had too much. To tell you honestly, I don't know when I stopped hurting. I just woke up one day feeling nothing at all. It was a state of oblivion, a state where there's no space for me to feel anything. Believe me, during those times when I was distraught, it was like passing through a sinuous road that has no end. The truth is will have no end, only if you've set your mind to that. So don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes, the only person standing in your way is you (I got this from the Black Swan)

(2) You'll never know how bad another person really feels.

       It is true. No matter how hard you try to be emphatic, you'll never have the same intensity of hurt of another person. You can only try to understand or feel. I'm not trying to insinuate that listening to your friend's problems or catastrophic experiences is useless. What I'm saying is that if you already feel bad listening to their stories, how much more if you were in your friend's position? Giving time to listen to someone who badly needs it is priceless. If it weren't for the patience of my friends bearing with me and tolerating me, I would have turned myself into a complete train wreck. I've been pretty hardheaded and didn't listen to their advice and yes, I regret it a lot. Everybody needs someone. When the burden weighs on you, it wouldn't hurt to seek for help.

(3) God has a plan

      Nobody knows what God is planning but one thing is for sure: there is a reason for every struggle. It makes you stronger, it teaches you how to fight and how to be better. Try to take a moment to vent to him all that you feel. Tell him how much you hate you hate what's going on, just let your emotions flow. It will make you feel better. This may sound cliche, but God is always there. He provides, and in times of need, his presence will surely be felt.


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Last note: 

Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the sadness. Allow yourself to be happy. Never regret that you loved someone even if it caused you so much pain because it is what makes you human. 

 

Heartbreak Songs

These are the songs I listen to especially when I feel really down. Ironic, isn't it? I don't know. That's just me, I like being lonely. I just want to share this to people who are slowly falling apart and who can relate to the message conveyed by each of the songs.

(In no particular order)

1. Here without you- 3 Doors Down

Striking Line/s: I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams.

2. Blind- Lifehouse

Striking line/s: That I loved you more than you'll ever know and part of me died when I let you go.

3. Jar of Hearts-Christina Perri

Striking Line/s:
And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart

4.  Someone Like You- Adele

Striking Line/s: Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

5. Chasing Pavements- Adele

Striking Line/s: Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavement even if it leads nowhere?

6. Gravity- Sara Bareilles

Striking Line/s: Something always brings me back to you.
                       It never takes too long.

7. What Hurts the Most- Rascal Flatts

Striking Verse: What hurts the most was being so close and havin' so much to say and watchin' you walk away

8. Stay- Lisa Loeb

Striking Line/s: "I thought I could leave, I could leave oooh and now I know I was wrong cause I miss you."

9. Landslide- Fleetwood Mac- Stevie Nicks

Striking Line/s: I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you.

10. All Out of Love- Air Supply

Striking Verse:  I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
                        I know you were right believing for so long
                        I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
                        I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

11.  Wreck of the Day- Anna Nalick

Striking Line/s: 'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces

12. Torn- Natalie Imbruglia

Striking Verse: Illusion never changed
                       Into something real
                       I'm wide awake and I can see
                       The perfect sky is torn
                       You're a little late, I'm already torn

13. Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler

Striking Line/s: Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart. There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.


14. Best I Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Striking Verse: And it may take some time to
                      Patch me up inside
                      But I can't take it so I
                      Run away and hide

15.Breakeven- The Script

Striking Verse:  Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
                        You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
                        Now I'm tryin to make sense of what little remains ooh
                        Cause you left me with no love, no love to my name.

Different Faces of Love

Love is a vague term. It may mean happiness to some and misery to others. There is however an underlying fact when you talk about Love, and that is, it is inherently good. It is never wrong to love someone. What can distort its meaning is the degree of love and how the act is delivered.

It is hard to distinguish proper kind of love from the "excessive" and "insufficient" ones. Most of the time, relationships end up tragically when the latter kinds are practiced. An example of a situation is when partners argue about space. Space is essential to every being. It leaves a little room for his/her self. Too much space can lead to a "void" or emptiness. When this happens, a wide gap is created because one of them may fall out of love. On the other hand, too little space can lead to "suffocation". There are certain things that has to be done alone. Usually, someone gets so fed up and this leads to the break-up. A demarcation line has to be set in order to know the right way to love someone.

There is no definite way to express love. All I know is that you cannot love someone completely without being selfless. In the process, you learn to give without asking for anything in return. You can even get irrational at times. This happen when your emotions overpower your ability to think. The thing is, when you love, it is not the mind that is working, it is the heart. Each one of us has an ideal man or woman and most would go for the perfect ones. In reality, there is no such thing as a perfect. Everyone has his/her own defect. There can be, however, a perfect match. That person may or may not be the one you've been dreaming to have, but one thing is for sure, genuine happiness is awaits you when you find your destiny. You can't really choose who to love. It may come in the most peculiar way, or who knows, you may just fall in love with the person you never even thought you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

When you talk about love, you can't set aside the issue about pain. It is inevitable. There is always an aberration in the system. But it is essential. Without pain, the meaning of true love would remain ambiguous. What I've mentioned may sound paradoxical. If someone you love inflicted pain on you and you didn't even get hurt, can you say that you love him/her to a great extent? When you confess your feelings to your crush but the only response you get is "I'm sorry. We're not meant to be together," isn't it just normal that you feel bad about it? Pain is there to make you stronger, not to make you feel bitter. It is a compass that guides you to the right person. It will only seem unending when you start become impatient. There is always a right time, a right situation and a right place to meet the person you shall be with forever.

 In love, you must also take risks. There is no assurance whether or not the person you love has the same feelings for you, but how will you know the real score if you won't even try? Isn't it more painful to know that he/she likes you but it was too late when you confided your thoughts so he/she found someone else? You will only end up in regret. When you confess your love, you will get the chance to know if you even stood a chance rather than being bewildered on what that person thinks or feels about you. If the unfortunate thing happens, that only means that there is someone else in there waiting for you. It's not the end of the road, you've just got to take a detour.

What causes a person to hold back their feelings? Probably, the most sound reason would be "fear." To narrow it down, it would be the fear of rejection and fear of commitment. It is a parasite that hampers progress. It can make the brave cowards. When people let it take over them, they tend to dig deep and enshroud their feelings in their hearts. This eventually turns into a burden. It's a self-inflicted pain and people who do this become deprived of the happiness one can get from expressing his/her real sentiments. Fear is always there but you can always choose to overcome it with courage. Yes, you can be rejected and yes, commitment was never easy, but when you love, these will become oblivious.

All mentioned above is just a product of my own discernment. It doesn't mean that his is how everyone understands love. However, the fact still remains that all human beings are not devoid of love. It will always be a part of this world.

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Additional Notes:

(This is not really a part of my work. I just thought of sharing a little bit how this goes for me. Teehee.)

All that I've written above would probably be the things I've said to my friends who sought for my advice. Ironically, these are the very things I find really hard to do. I'm not really expressive of my emotions. More often than not, I tend to hold back what I feel and just let it pass. I even become so repulsive that I push people away.  I've always had this fear of being rejected and commitment was never in my dictionary. Maybe I'm afraid because I know that I'm not resilient to pain. However, with my little story right now, it's more painful than I thought and I'm actually full of regret. I wrote this for myself but I would really appreciate it if the people who read this can relate to my work.

Nonsense.